Families Rule with Rules

Families not only have different values and traditions, but they also have different rules – about bedtimes, screen time, homework, eating and more. While the rules of families may differ, all children need some guidelines for their behavior.Rules help kids learn about safety and limits and how to get along with others, for example. Rules also help children build self-esteem and feel secure -- children know expectations and how to meet them. But too many complex rules can feel overwhelming, confusing, and hard to follow. Balance is key.

Basics

Here are some general tips on how to set rules that will work for your family:Always consider your child’s age, developmental stage and personality.Over time, rules will change as your child grows. Always explain the changes enthusiastically:

• “You are getting so grown up! Your bedtime is at 8:30 rather than 8:00 and now you get the responsibility to empty the dishwasher.”

How many rules?

• A three year old won’t be able to deal with 10 rules, but they likely can follow two. “We always hold hands in the parking lot and make sure we walk together."

• For older children who can read, write the rules on a chart and hang it up where it can be easily and frequently seen. Make the chart bright and colorful and use humor.

• For children who don’t read yet, use pictures. Try a sun and toothbrush for morning teeth brushing.

Simplicity is BestAs children grow, they are able to deal with more complex rules. Consider their age, but even for older children, simplicity is best. For example:

• Brush teeth every morning after breakfast and every night before bed.

• Screen time comes after homework is done.

Positive and Specific Language

• Instead of “Don’t leave your room a mess,” try “Toys and clothes need to be picked up off the floor and chairs.

Stick by the RuleOnce you make a rule, be consistent about following it. Use natural consequences when possible if a rule is broken. If homework needs to be done before screen time, stay consistent.

• If your child is playing video games before homework is finished, they know the consequence is that you will take away their screen time for a designated amount of time. Stay calm when your child breaks a rule.

• Make sure you are clear you are criticizing their behavior, not them!

Involve Your Child

• Hold family meetings, even with young ones.

• Explain why you are creating your family rules in age-appropriate ways.

• If your child objects to a rule, let them talk about why. Listen and consider, and when appropriate, adjust or make a change, but not every time.

• Praise your child for following the rules to build self-esteem.  Your positive comments can also motivate them to continue following the rules!

Safety and Respect While families have different values, safety and respect for oneself and others are a part of any family’s rules. For example:

• When school aged children walk home on their own from school or from after-school activities, parents need to always know where their child is, especially if plans change.

• Guide children to be respectful when communicating with others. The specifics are important and will vary from family to family.
  • Some cultures, for example, believe it’s important for people to look at each other directly when speaking. In other cultures it is considered disrespectful to look directly at someone, especially an elder. The key is your child being respectful and you being specific about what that means.

Special Occasions Certain circumstances call for particular or temporary rules.

• If you are traveling or attending a special event like a wedding, for example, there might be different rules just for that situation.
  • Later bed times, special treats on the plane, more screen time in the car.

• Be clear before the event about what these rules are, how they will start and end with just this particular occasion.

• Encourage enjoying this special time!

Rules Rule

You don’t need to have a rule for every minute of the day or for every activity, but having rules can help children gain self-esteem when they meet expectations; feel secure about their environment; and help create a calmer home environment.Consider your child’s age, stage and personality and then create appropriate rules that reflect your values. Keep consistent and clear and your family rules will create lots of space for enjoyment and learning. This article is brought to you by Parenting Now! Parenting Educators and authors, Tova Stabin, Claire Davis and Lynne Swartz and consultant Jay Thompson (andupdatemywebsite.com).  Parenting Now! is passionate about happy, healthy families. For more information about Parenting Now! please visit their website (https://parentingnow.org/) or contact us at info@parentingnow.org

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