Valuable Failure: What Students Can Lose by Being Perfect

Do children gain anything valuable by experiencing failure? And likewise, do they miss out on anything when they are protected from failure? Jessica Lahey, author of the new book The Gift of Failure, argues yes for both those questions. An article titled “What do Students Lose by Being Perfect? Valuable Failure,” written by Holly Korbey, highlights Lahey’s opinions on this matter and argues that children are becoming less autonomous and more risk aversive by the minute.

Korbey suggests the reasons for this phenomenon are that our culture has adopted ways of parenting and schooling that operate under narrow views of academic and career success, and that kids are over-stressed and terrified to make mistakes. Lahey says parents can do a lot to help their kids be comfortable with failure. Her recommendation to parents: let go!

Ways Parents Can Let Go

Think about raising a child as a long-haul job

• Focus on the bigger picture when making decisions for your child and his or her education.
• As difficult as it is to watch your child fail, it allows for growth.

“…the short-term goal is getting an ‘A,’ but the long-term goal of self-sufficiency eclipses that minor ‘A’ by a long shot.”

Focus on process instead of product

• Don't let being obsessed with grades and the "product" stand in the way of a great opportunity for learning.
• Find the balance between supporting your child's work and doing the work for your child.

"That means no more science projects worthy of their own Nobel.”

Back away from the parent portal

• Your child may be motivated by the fear of punishment rather than being accountable for their own successes.
• Instead of tracking your child's individual assignment grades, use the portal as a way to monitor your child's overall academic development over the year.

Consider the fear of failure may affect more kids than you think

• Know that you are not the only parent with a child struggling with the pressures of school.
• Constantly encourage your child with kind words and affirmations.
• Set the expectation that your child should give his or her best effort (which sometimes may not be perfection).

“Many students are well-acquainted with failure, both their own personal shortcomings as well as the systemic failures of their schools and homes.”

Consider the fear of failure may destroy the love of learning

• Allow your child to take a risk and celebrate it!
• Encourage your child to try something new and completely out of his or her comfort zone.

“Making failure normal — even celebrated — Lahey contends, may be uncomfortable in the short-term, but in the long haul makes for happier, more confident kids.”

Seeing your child go through the ups and downs that come with school is hard and we all want the best for our kids. But, Korbey's article sheds interesting light on the effects parents' quest for perfection may have on their kids. It may be worth it to consider what pressures you are putting on your kids and what messages those pressures are sending.

To read Korbey's full article click here.