Toddler Sharing
Sharing is a lifelong skill that helps us all get along. For toddlers, however, this can be an entirely new and difficult idea. It can cause tension with your family and on the playground. You can help your child learn to share things like toys and people, or to take turns. It takes awareness, patience, persistence, and the understanding that we all went through this stage!
Basics
Toddlers are just learning the idea of ownership. Sometimes they may be possessive of things that are of comfort to them. Other times competing with another child for time with you or a special chair or toy can result in melt-downs and tears. Here are a few pointers to keep in mind.
An ounce of prevention...
- Toddlers tend to play next to each other - the concept of playing together isn’t really established until ages 4 or 5. Try setting up a variety of activities or toys so that toddlers have enough to interact with and don’t need to compete. This can minimize their need to be in the same space at the same time and the need to share turf or toys.
- If a friend is visiting, talk with your child about sharing so they will be set up to share. “When Austin comes over, you can share your toys with him. That means Austin can have a turn playing with your toys. Then you can have a turn again in a few minutes.”
- Try to keep things fair. If your younger child tends to “get away” with grabbing objects or not sharing, your older child will surely resent this - help your younger child ask for a turn. Likewise, your older child may be able to avoid sharing with your younger child because they are bigger or stronger. Keep an eye on things during play to make sure they each get a turn with a popular item.
- Show them how to share! When you model and talk about sharing, by giving them a bite of what you’re eating, or sharing the view on your phone or book, you are setting the example.
Lessons in sharing
- Look for activities that promote sharing when you have the time to supervise such as sharing a ball, building a tower of blocks or even a cooperative chore like sorting laundry. Watch how the children play and work together. Take time to point out and praise them as they share and get along. “I like how you helped your sister find the other black sock.”
- Praise your children when you spot them sharing and cooperating. “I like the way you two built the tower together. You were both sharing so well!”
- If you see a problem start to happen, step in calmly. Remind your child(ren) about sharing and to use manners, such as saying please and thank you and to wait their turn. Praise them when they do!
When there is a problem
Tussles over toys are very common with toddlers.
- When you see a child grab a toy away from another, be calm and clear and tell them what you want them to do. “Taylor, give the book back to Emily and ask Emily for a turn.”
- Use a logical consequence if they don’t follow your instruction right away; it should fit the situation. In this example, you might take the book away and explain, “Taylor, you didn’t give Emily the book back. She can have that book for 5 more minutes.” Ignore complaints or protests and don’t argue or over-explain your point.
- Once the time is up, give your child the opportunity to cooperate nicely. Praise them for being patient and sharing.
Quiet Time or Time-out
If the problem returns within a short time, repeat the consequence for a longer time or try a quiet time or time-out.
- Tell your child what they have done wrong and what will happen. “You did not stop like I asked you to - that tells me you need a quiet time.”
- Find a spot in the room like a chair or a crib for them to sit quietly for a short time, such as one minute. Do not give them your attention. “Jackson, you need to sit here quietly for one minute and then you can come out of quiet time.”
- If your child is over 2 years old and does not stay quietly in the quiet time, you can use a time-out. Time-out involves taking your child away from the area where the problem behavior occurred and having them be quiet for a short time. Find a safe space or room without toys or distractions and ask them to wait quietly for one minute. Stay calm, even though your child might be upset or angry.
- After the time-out is up, return your child back to the situation or activity to allow them to try again.
Learning to share takes practice! Helping your child understand how to appropriately interact with others by being clear about what they should or should not do will put them on the best path. This article is brought to you by Parenting Now! Parenting Educators and authors Claire Davis and Lynne Swartz and consultant Jay Thompson (andupdatemywebsite.com). Parenting Now! is passionate about happy, healthy families. For more information about Parenting Now! please visit their website (https://parentingnow.org/) or contact us at info@parentingnow.org
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