Recognizing and Confronting Bullying
What Does Bullying look like? In her new book, author and social worker Signe Whitson points out that there are many types of unpleasant behavior that adults sometimes term as bullying, but are more accurately describes as rudeness or meanness. The author notes that the actions adults need to identify as bullying, and strive to eliminate, are these four:
• Physical aggression. Examples include hitting, punching, pinching, kicking, tripping, hair-pulling, slamming a child into a locker, taking or breaking a child’s possessions.• Verbal aggression. Examples are taunts, teasing, name calling, sexual comments and threats.• Relational aggression. This is when kids use friendship, or the threat of ending a friendship, to hurt someone. Examples are social exclusion, shunning, hazing and the spreading of rumors.• Cyberbullying. This is the bullying that involves technology, including email, social media posts, phishing, sexting and other inappropriate uses of cell phones and the Internet.
Who gets bullied? There’s no one type of child who is sure to be a victim, writes Whitson. “Yet there are clearly identifiable elements that many bullied kids have in common.” These include:
• Kids with disabilities. Because bullying involves an imbalance of power, kids with disabilities are vulnerable because of their physical, academic or social skill challenges.• Kids who are overweight or obese. Obesity is viewed as a character flaw, Whitson explains, and thus kids rationalize that it’s acceptable to tease someone who is overweight.• LGBT youth. Nine of 10 lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth report being bullied in school.• Kids who don’t have friends. Without others to stand up for them, kids are ideal targets for bullies, whose goal is to “make a victim feel alone and powerless.”• Kids who crave popularity. “Status rivalries” among relative equals—social climbing—contributes to bullying, says the author.• Kids who are volatile. Children who struggle to control their emotions are often both bullies and bullied. “Volatile children are particularly easy marks for socially astute kids who take pleasure—and gain social status—from provoking intense emotional outbursts.”
How do you know? We know that kids won’t always admit they’re being bullied—in fact, they may not know how to define bullying or be aware that that is what’s happening. Being aware of any changes in your child’s behavior is important , especially if your child is in, or is starting, middle school. However, Whitson emphasizes that bullying can occur even in the earliest school grades and can continue through high school. Whitson says to watch for signs such as:
• Unexplained injuries• Loss of property, or damage to it• Avoiding school• Avoiding social interactions• Physical symptoms such as stomach- and headaches• Changes in a child’s eating or sleeping habits or in grades• A decline in self-esteem or self-confidence• A sense of helplessness, or hopelessness• Self-destructive behaviors
Where do adults come in? Whitson understands that educators have too little time for all their responsibilities, and monitoring kids for bullying can be both time- and energy-consuming. However, she points out that because so much bullying takes place at school or on school buses, educators must take reports of bullying seriously and should never dismiss even rumors of bullying with the “kids will be kids” attitude. Even an educator believes a parent is overreacting, it is that teacher’s responsibility to make parents feel as if their concerns are being taken seriously. If you’ve spoken to your child’s teacher and had your concerns downplayed, here’s what Whitson recommends:
• “Reach out to as many people as possible to make sure the bullying comes to an end.” In other words, if the teacher won’t respond, work your way up the school chain of command, contacting guidance counselors, school social workers, principal, the principal’s supervisor and the superintendent’s office. Be persistent, and if necessary, go to the school board and the local police.• Document the problem and do it every time your child is attacked physically or verbally. You know what you need: where and when did it happen, who did it, who witnessed it, what happened.• Document who you contact about the problem. Insist that the school personnel taking your calls provide their full names, document the time and date of the calls, and follow up with emails or letters that serve as confirmation of the discussion. A paper trail, she points out, can be “an effective way of keeping all involved parties organized, informed, and goal directed.”• Let your child see that you are persisting. “A show of resolve and dogged determination to persist until their concerns are adequately addressed is among the most important things parents can do for their children,” writes the author.
Whitson highlights that face that without strong adult connections, bullies can act “without the hindrance of disapproval from a grown-up who matters to them.” If adults aren’t seen playing an active role in the prevention and intervention of bullying, kids who are bullied will feel isolated from sources of help and support, and kids who witness bullying won’t know how to report what they’ve seen. Talk to your child about standing up to bullying, and about making sure that they are not unknowingly or unintentionally bullying others as well. Make sure they know that can be open with you about any bullying they experience or witness!
This article was adapted from articles originally published and copyrighted by Parenting Press.