Playground Struggles: Minimizing playtime fighting and aggression
Ask most parents and they will tell you that preschoolers have big feelings. One minute, they ooze with love and affection. The next, steam is shooting from their ears over the injustices of not being allowed to color on the walls with red sparkle paint.And boy, do they feel deeply. While having “big feelings” is generally a good thing, it becomes worrisome when fighting and aggression are the default reactions for solving problems.From refusing to share toys to mean comments, it’s important to teach young children the importance of playing cooperatively and getting along with others—especially during a time when toddlers are striving for independence and testing their limits.In preschoolers, fighting and aggression can happen for a number of reasons:
- Out of competition or jealousy.
- To get what they want.
- To see what the reaction will be.
- They see their parents or peers fighting.
- Changes in the home: new sibling, recent move, divorce.
Teaching Positive Play
As in other areas of development, such as learning to walk or eating with a spoon, young children sometimes need to be shown how to play cooperatively with others, take turns, and problem solve in healthy ways.A good first step is establishing some rules for playing with others. Avoid making a list of “don’ts.” Instead, have a list of positive things for your child to work on. This could include:
- Be gentle.
- Share and take turns.
- Keep your hands and feet to yourself.
- Speak using your “kind” words.
Remember to make the rules short and easy to remember. Start by giving your preschooler two or three to memorize and practice.It’s also important to give young kids the opportunity to practice their rules and playing skills with you in a supportive and safe environment. Activities that promote sharing, cooperation, and taking turns are great for building healthy play skills. Ideas include:
- Soccer
- Hide and seek
- Age-appropriate board games that involve taking turns
When you see your child playing cooperatively with a friend, sibling, or even yourself, give them praise: “I like how the two of you are building the train tracks together. You are playing very gently with your little brother, Dillon.”
Stepping In
A beautiful day at the park can turn sour fast when kids start fighting over sand tools or when a child bullies another into letting him use the slide first.As a parent, you have to make judgment calls on when to step in, but, in general, it’s a good idea to do so before a fight breaks out. Preschoolers need help problem solving and finding the right words to communicate what they want. You can help by leading the conversation: “It looks like you both want to play with the red shovel. What do you think you can do? What about taking turns with the shovel. You can each play with the shovel for 15 minutes. We can flip a coin to see who goes first!”Offering options can be also helpful for the child who is waiting their turn. “Sally, while you wait for the red shovel, you can choose to play with the sand sifter or green shovel.”There might be times when the situation escalates quickly and you’ll need to use a firmer response.If you see your children fighting over a toy or getting aggressive with each other, tell them what you want them to do:
- “Girls, you need to take turns playing with the bubble blower.”
- “Girls, keep your hands to yourself. We don’t hurt our friends.”
In both situations, offer praise when the children are able to calm down and share.
Consequences
If your preschooler refuses to do as asked, follow up with logical consequences to the situation. Try removing the toy or activity for a set amount of time. Explain why the bubble blower needs to be put away for 10 minutes and your expectations for what will happen when they can play with the toy again: “The bubble blower is going away for 10 minutes. When it comes back, it’s going to be Lydia’s turn to use it for 10 minutes, then it will be Crystal’s turn.”When it comes to aggressive behavior, separate the two children and place the aggressor in “quiet time” where they will sit nearby the activity for 2 minutes: “Lydia, I see you keep putting your hands on your friend. What is our rule about hands? (Keep hands to yourself). I want you to sit quietly at the edge of the sandbox for 2 minutes. Then you can keep playing.”Learning a new skill takes lots of repetition, and learning to manage big feelings takes lots of patience! The world is a complex place for young children. The sooner we can teach kids the value in sharing, cooperating, and playing nicely, the richer their friendships and relationships will be for years to come.
This article is brought to you by Parenting Now! Parenting Educators and authors Amanda Bedortha, Claire Davis and Lynne Swartz and consultant Jay Thompson (andupdatemywebsite.com). Parenting Now! is passionate about happy, healthy families. For more information about Parenting Now! please visit their website (https://parentingnow.org/) or contact us at info@parentingnow.org
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