Worried About Whining? Teaching clear communication to your toddler
At some point, your infant’s reasonable cries for help—whether it be for food, warmth, or snuggles—will turn into requests for everything from cookies (right now!) to red socks (not the blue ones!). Some of it will seem unreasonable (to you at least), and you may be met with a lot of whining.A toddler’s “big” feelings can sometimes get in the way of allowing them to clearly communicate what they need, or understand reason (for example, why they can’t eat 10 cookies for dinner). As a parent, it’s our job to teach them the skills and tools they need communicate more effectively.
Whining Woes
Most people are fully aware about what whining is, but there are reasons for it! Whining is generally described as complaining (or a milder form of crying) that’s done in a drawn-out, irritating tone. It can be more frequent when a toddler is hungry, sick, or overtired. There are other reasons that children whine. Young toddlers who have limited speech can get frustrated when they can’t say the words they want to. As their vocabulary grows, this type of whining should lessen.Toddlers also whine to get our attention (stop doing the dishes!) or to get something they want (a race car from the toy store). How you choose to respond to whining has an impact on how often it happens and how intense it gets. If you want to lessen whining (and help your child communicate better) , here are some strategies for managing whining:
Lead By Example
- Demonstrate how to speak nicely and calmly in front of your toddler
- Use “please” and “thank you”
- Stay calm when your child is whining
- Praise your toddler when they use their “big girl/big boy” voice
Some toddlers and young children don’t know that they are whining or what it means to use a “big girl/big boy” voice. Parents can choose to record their child while they are whining and then again when they are in a happy mood. The recording is then played back to the child while the parent explains the difference between a “whiny” voice and a “regular” voice.
Whining Doesn’t Win
When a child whines and then gets what he wants, he is more likely to whine next time. Every time a parent gives into whining, it cements it into their child's mind as the way to get what he wants. It is your job to teach him another way.
- Get down at their level and be clear about what you want them to do: “If you would like another snack, please ask nicely.”
- Follow up with praise: “That was nice asking. Thank you.”
- If you give another chance to ask again, and your child continues to ask in a whiny voice, a reasonable consequence might be: “You didn’t ask nicely. The cookies go away for 10 minutes.”
- After the time is up, give your child a chance to ask again without whining.
If a firmer approach is needed, you could try planned ignoring. In this technique, you would turn away from your child while they are whining and ignore the behavior. This can be challenging for parents, as the whining tends to get worse before it gets better. Stick to your decision and be consistent in how you deliver your message.
Having to Say No
Even if your child uses their nicest, sweetest voice, there are times when you just have to say no. Young children can struggle with needing to wait for what they want (“I know you want to go playground right now, but it’s 20 degrees outside.”). Learning to accept “no” for an answer is tough—but it’s part of growing up.
- If you need to say no, refuse their request in a calm voice and give your reasoning: “Thank you for asking so nicely, but we can’t go to the playground right now because it is too cold outside to play.”
- Offer a similar suggestion: “Let’s pull the cushions off the couch and make a fort?”
Remember that toddlers and young children can easily feel overwhelmed, especially in the presence of hunger, need for a nap, or developmental changes. Sometimes they just simply want emotional support and to connect with you. Try to make sure their basic needs are being met to prevent any unnecessary whining. For example, if naptime is soon approaching, don’t try to squeeze in a quick trip to the grocery store.By thinking ahead and being watchful for signs of hunger or tiredness, you can respond to your child’s needs before the whining starts and you keep your child’s whining at a minimum. This article is brought to you by Parenting Now! Parenting Educators and authors Amanda Bedortha, Claire Davis and Lynne Swartz and consultant Jay Thompson (andupdatemywebsite.com). Parenting Now! is passionate about happy, healthy families. For more information about Parenting Now! please visit their website (https://parentingnow.org/) or contact us at info@parentingnow.org
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