To Tell the Truth: Children and Lying
While most people value honesty, most adults have lied or have been lied to at least some time in their lives – in personal or work relationships or elsewhere. It might be to get away with something or it might be to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. Children are no different.As parents, we know that children lie for many reasons. Children need to learn how to be honest and why it’s important to tell the truth. Lying can damage trust in relationships and can also lead to low self-esteem. There is a balance between feeling bad, guilty, or shameful about being caught in a lie and then moving to take responsibility to fix it. When a child tells an untruth for whatever reason, calling attention to it in a matter of fact way and giving the child the opportunity to tell the truth will help him to build his self-esteem.
A Child’s Lie
Children are trying to figure out how to act in the world, the difference between real and pretend, and how to deal with conflict.
Toddlers
Until about three years old, children who lie are generally:
Engaged in fantasy play
Making an honest mistake about what’s happening
Are worried about upsetting a parent
If you get angry when your child colors on the wall, he may feel confused and scared. He doesn’t want you to be angry and wants to feel safe and loved, so he says he didn’t do it. He doesn’t understand the concept of lying.
Pre-School/Early Elementary
Kids slowly develop a sense of what is a lie. At about age five or so, you can start talking with your child about rules about lying and the importance of telling the truth. By about age ten children usually have a clear idea of the concept of lying.
Young children are figuring out the difference between real and pretend. Perhaps, they think Big Bird is real and living in the TV.
Sometimes, we encourage “pretend” like when we talk about the tooth fairy. While encouraging imagination is important, your child may sometimes get confused about what is real and not. Encourage imagination and help them to start to distinguish between real and pretend.
You and your child can pretend to be fire fighters and then later go to your local fire station to meet a real fire fighter.
Give your child positive feedback when they tell the truth. Give them opportunities to distinguish between real and not real.
Create clear calm rules about lying and be consistent about keeping them.
Why lie?
In addition to developmental issues, common reasons for lying include:
Embarrassment or fear of mistakes.
Your child may not know how to handle making a mistake and lie to cover it up. Sometimes they feel worried about the lie itself and create more lies.
Your child threw his coat on the floor instead of hanging it up. When you ask about it, they say they did hang it up, even though you both see it on the floor. Your child then creates further lies – the dog pulled it off the hook or the wind blew it down. Regardless of how it got on the floor, he will learn that he is still responsible for picking it up. When lying doesn't get him what he wants, he may stop doing it.
Understanding Social Subtleties
The “subtleties” of social interactions can be confusing for children.
We see a friend and they ask how we are. We reply “Good, thanks,” even though we are having a tough day. Your child sees this and tries to figure out how this is being honest. It’s a great opportunity to talk about being polite.
Your child listens intently when you talk about being honest with people. On their birthday, they get a green stuffed animal from a friend. They proudly announce they hate the color green and throw it to the side. They feel they were honest and the friend feels hurt. Your child doesn’t understand what they did wrong.
Avoiding Tasks
Some chores are not fun or are challenging, but have to get done. It’s tempting to lie to get out of the chore.
Your child is supposed to set the table and they haven’t. You ask why. They claim they have too much homework, even though Wednesday is a “homework free” day.
Being “Cool”
For many kids, making friends and fitting in is challenging. They may lie to impress other kids or fit in.
You invite one of your child’s new friends for a play date. The friend is disappointed that you don’t have ice cream sundaes every day after school.
Kids may hear their parents or other adults use sarcasm and not understand it. They may unintentionally be modeling a type of lying (“just kidding”) that kids think will make them sound cool.
Getting Attention
Your child may want to seek attention with a lie or even want to see how you react.
“We saw two lions in the park today” sounds more interesting that we walked by a cat on the way to the park.
Fear of Punishment
If you punish your child, rather than use positive discipline, your child may lie if they worry the truth will bring a punishment.
Children who are bullied or abused may lie for fear they will be treated worse if “they tell.” They may want to protect the adult abusing them. Reassure your child that they:
Are safe with you
Telling the truth will make things better.
You can help them fix what’s wrong.
If your child is being bullied in school, talk with school personnel. If they are being abused, seek professional help.
What To Do About Lying?
Talk with your child about why lying is not okay. Tell them how you feel when they lie – upset, disappointed, unsure when you can believe them.
Give your child a chance to tell the truth and provide solutions.
You say you didn’t spill the juice, but there is juice on the floor. Are you sure that’s what happened?
When someone spills something, they can clean it up. Would you like to get something to clean up the spill you made?
When they tell the truth, give positive feedback.
Separate the behavior from the lying.
If your child finally admits they played a computer game they weren’t supposed to, appreciate their honesty. Then, give the natural agreed upon consequence for breaking the rule.
Preventing Lies
Give unconditional love. Let your child know that even when they make mistakes, you love them. Sometimes children lie so they don’t disappoint their parents.
Stay calm when your child breaks a rule. They may lie to avoid your anger.
Ask questions in ways that prevent lying.
Try “Do you need help getting ready for school tomorrow?” rather than “Did you get everything ready for school tomorrow?”
For younger children particularly, make sure they understand real and pretend.
Your child may insist they had lunch with a friendly monster.
Don’t argue it’s “not true.”
Try getting in on the story – “Did the monster eat all her vegetables?” Sometimes the more unreal you make the story, the more they realize it’s silly pretending.
Take the opportunity to talk about the difference between pretend and real.
Praise imagination.
Consider why they are lying.
If your child is trying to fit in, find ways to raise their self-esteem. Help them come up with concrete things they can do about the situation.
If they are worried about being perfect, help them understand making mistakes are part of life. Teach them they can try again or do things differently.
Be a good role model! Be honest about your mistakes.
Check your reactions - are you being especially reactive? If you often react strongly to your child not doing a chore or homework, for example, you may be unintentionally encouraging your child to lie. They may be lying because they are anticipating your reaction and they don’t want to make you upset or angry.
The Whole Truth
You may not get the “whole truth” from your child every day, but create an environment where there is trust and love and where you child knows honesty is valued. When you do, you are helping your child build a lifetime of healthy loving relationships.
This article is brought to you by Parenting Now Parenting Educators and authors Amanda Bedortha, Claire Davis and Lynne Swartz, and consultant Jay Thompson. Parenting Now offers parenting groups and drop-in programs for families with children 0-8, and is passionate about happy, healthy families. For more information about Parenting Now, please visit their website or contact us at info@parentingnow.org.
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