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The world is historically heavy right now. As adults, we struggle to make sense of events happening, and it is extremely challenging and heartbreaking to try to explain it to our children.

Of course, advice will differ depending on your children’s ages, race, immigration status, and where you live. This is not meant to be prescriptive, but a helpful place for you to center yourself and think about what is best for your family. Our hearts are with you.

If you have a moment to pause before talking with your children; take it. Let yourself feel your feelings and acknowledge how difficult the situation is. It is hard to expose your children to scary news. It is hard to move through our normal lives right now.

When to Talk with your Kids 

You may decide not to share news with your child. We have to gauge our children’s capacity and age to navigate what they know. But if the information will directly impact their day-to-day life, or if they will find out the news from other sources (friends, social media, school), you may want to help support them through this.

Now that my children are teenagers, I know they will hear about major news. I want to talk about it together. I want to help them gain perspective about events. I want to warn them about violent images they may come across and tell them that they don’t need to watch it.

Melinda Wenner Moyer reminds us of the value these talks have that you are here for them and will engage in challenging conversations. I’ve found that these conversations, though hard, help us connect.

If you can get through your acute emotions before talking, that will help you stay steady when you answer their questions or talk. Children will look to us as guides.

There are times when I’ve cried sharing news and it is okay for our children to see that. They can know that this is terrible and you are affected. It helps to be steady, to help them feel safe, especially if our children are younger.

Share What Is Needed 

Asking our children what they have heard is a great starting place for us to gather information about what they know and have questions about. We can sit together and say, “Have you heard about what happened in Minnesota?” If they say yes, you can ask some follow up questions to find out how much they know. If they haven’t heard the news, you can share what you need to.

Watch for clues about how they are feeling through the conversation and care for those feelings. If they are scared, offer reassurance that many, many people are helping right now. This may be a time to revisit or share a safety plan for your family if you are separated.

You’ll have to decide what your child needs to hear at the moment. We want to offer safety – even if we cannot guarantee it right now. We still want to show them that the adults in their lives are thinking this through and creating plans. You are here for them.

It might help to name all the people who are keeping them safe – relatives, teachers, neighbors, firefighters, etc. Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore suggests drawing these people to give your child a sense of the bubble of safety around them.

If you fear your family or child has a strong likelihood of dealing with ICE, you may need to talk through what to do. What words can they say or not say? You might tell them not to try to run away, but to say, “I am a citizen.”

It may be helpful for your child to memorize a guardian’s phone number and an emergency contact’s number. Be sure to keep that information updated at their school or day care as well. You might consider putting a card with emergency contact information in their backpack.

Action Lessens Anxiety 

Ask your child what they need to cope, if they are capable of articulating this. These conversations can help build resilience. Dr. Shauna Tominey suggests sharing how you manage your feelings and asking, “What do you do when you feel sad or scared?”

If you or your child is feeling anxious, action steps may be helpful. Maybe you can attend a peaceful protest, donate money, write letters or make phone calls. Young children can make pictures or help bake for local organizations or neighbors to bring people some cheer.

Maybe your family is staying inside your home. Can you connect with loved ones through a video chat? Can you make some cheerful decorations for your home? Can you share images of the countless people trying to help?

As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward.”

We are holding tight to our communities to get through this difficult time. We hold you in our hearts as well and hope you feel safe soon.

Picture books for everyone to read

The Big Umbrella by Amy June Bates (Spanish version)

Change Sings by Amanda Gorman

I Am Every Good Thing by Derrick Barnes

I Am We by Susan Verde

The Home We Make by Maham Khwaja

Maybe Something Beautiful by Isabel Campoy (Spanish version)

Saturday by Oge Mora

Will it Be Okay? By Crescent Dragonwagon

Additional resources for families impacted by ICE activities can be found here.

By Megan McQueen.

Megan McQueen is a warmhearted teacher, coach, consultant, and writer. She grounds her work in empathetic education, imparting a strong sense of community and social skills to those with which she works. Megan prioritizes emotional learning and problem solving skills. When not at work, she is most likely playing with her husband, two children, and pup.

Learn more about the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative and read our blog!

This blog post was originally published by the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative (OPEC). We have permission from OPEC to repost their content, and we’re grateful to share their valuable parenting resources with our community.

Happy Parents, Happy Kids!

Having young children can be a joyous time for families, but it can also be a stressful time for the adult caregivers. Too much stress on a relationship can create discord and disconnection at a time when collaborating and supporting each other matters most.

Children learn a lot about relationship dynamics from their families. Modeling good communication, problem-solving and conflict resolution each day impacts your child’s well-being and often sets them up for their own future relationships.

In particular, children can benefit from positive co-parenting efforts that offer consistency and predictability whether couples remain together or experience a separation. Children cope more effectively when they understand what is happening and when information is shared on a developmentally appropriate level, particularly if there is a change in family structure.

Remember that love takes many forms, whether it’s the way we demonstrate our love for others or experience it when it is sown to us. Commonly, we summarize these different forms of love using the framework of the five Love Languages.

The five love languages are:

• Acts of service,

• Receiving gifts,

• Quality time,

• Words of affirmation,

• Physical touch.

Although many of us enjoy any number of these languages, many people have a preferred way they like to experience love. Some people like to have their partner help them around the house, running arrands, or other acts of service. Others may especially value quality time together – lots of time spent hanging out our actively participating in activities together – or the poets among us may reach for words of affirmation. Knowing about each other’s Love Language in a partnership can help strengthen the bond between you.

Date nights are designated opportunities for partners to spend time together apart from the children. These can be a dinner out, visiting a winery, taking a walk or stargazing, signing up for a class together, or setting up a game night. Whether playful or romantic, investing in a strong connection and spending time together is the key.

Often, those of us in partnerships may use different love languages. However love is demonstrated in your home, it’s important to show appreciate. Appreciating your partner involves intentionally recognizing and valuing your partner’s efforts, which often leads to increased trust, deeper emotional connection, and improved collaboration. A simple thank you or making more of a gesture that demonstrates gratitude goes a long way. Showing appreciation is good for you, good for your partner, and a great thing to model for your children, who are often looking to you for signs of how healthy relationships work.

It’s not just about partnerships. Self-love and self-compassion are important for parents, too. Practicing self-love and compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and care you would offer a child or dear friend. Key practices include being mindful of your emotions, embracing your imperfections (we all have them!), celebrating small wins or accomplishments, setting healthy boundaries, using positive self-talk, or cultivating self-care habits like journaling, enjoying a cup of tea, or walking outside. If the tradition of enjoying bouquets of cut flowers, lighting candles, or eating yummy chocolates appeals to you, these are things that you can give yourself all year round. 

They say that happiness is an inside job. Not only does self-love contribute to personal well-being, but it also makes us better equipped to be in healthy and happy relationships with others.

In these complex times, caring for ourselves, our families, and our communities can feel especially demanding. It’s okay to need extra care and flexibility as parents right now.

Most of us feel a certain level of discomfort when there is a lot of change or upheaval in our lives. Adults may or may not realize how much their emotional responses can impact others around them, particularly their children.  When things are unpredictable, it’s important that we have ways to calm down and rebalance ourselves – This helps us feel better and has a positive impact on our children.

Below are recommendations that may help you as a parent manage uncertainty during stressful times like these.

Address Foundational Needs

Taking care of ourselves physically and emotionally makes a big impact on our well-being. That’s why it’s important to keep a handle on the basics: Prioritize rest and sleep routines for the entire family. Eat healthy meals and snacks and stay hydrated. Engage in physical activity and movement, even in short bursts. Set boundaries and learn to say “no” to extra responsibilities. Take breaks from screens and electronics, such as phones, email, social media, news, and TV. Identify what is in your control and let go of what is not.

Look for Connection and Support

Seeking social and emotional support from others can help lessen the burden and keep us feeling more connected. Spend time with friends, family, or other parents who understand you, or who you relate to. Ask for help or specific support when needed. Strengthen your partnerships or other close relationships. Reach out to members of your community — a strong network cultivates resilience and sense of safety for everyone. Consider support groups, online support, and local family resources for dealing with high levels of stress or strategies for healing trauma.

Mental and Emotional Well-Being

Taking time to reflect, feel our emotions, and recharge can make a tremendous difference when experiencing stress. Allow yourself to feel and express emotions, even tears. Mindfulness practices include deep breathing or short meditations to stay present. Acknowledge your efforts and find things to be thankful for by creating a gratitude list, which can often help people refocus their energies on what’s working or going well. Focus on your strengths and the many ways you are supporting yourself and others. Find what brings you joy, laughter, and happiness and do more of that. Make time for activities that you enjoy such as nature, reading, hobbies, music, or art.

Self-compassion can be helpful. Here’s how to ground yourself, as a person who is hurting, guided by Dr. Kristin Neff.

Supporting Our Children

These moments can shape how children experience the world around them, and paying attention to how children may be processing, wondering, or responding matters deeply.

Additional Resources

1. Here’s how to help children and families facing detention or separation, published by Healthy Children, and endorsed by The American Academy of Pediatrics.

2. Here’s how to talk to children about violence, NAEYC: Supporting Young Children after Crisis Events, & NAEYC Resources – Coping with Trauma, Stress, & Violence

3. Dr. Chandra Ghosh Ippen has produced many resources and books to support families to recover after stressful and traumatic events and can be found at Piplo Productions. Her children’s stories are available in multiple languages, including Spanish.

We’ve all experienced the challenges of supporting an upset child who was tired or not well-rested. And we have also been in a position as parents when we tried to do more than was reasonable on less sleep than we really needed, too.

How long and how well we sleep has a big impact on the overall well-being of both children and adults alike. We need adequate sleep to:

• Restore our energy and heal our bodies

• Grow and develop optimally

• Have good brain functioning that includes attention, focus, learning, decision-making and memory

• Regulate emotions and behavior

How much sleep is enough? According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, how much sleep you need depends on how old you are, and they provide guidance on the daily recommended hours of sleep for children and adults of various ages. This can range to as much as 17 hours a day for newborns, all the way down to just seven hours a day for some particularly light-sleeping adults.

Getting sleep right is important: children who are chronically tired are less able to regulate their emotions and behaviors and have difficulty paying attention. It can impact their physical, emotional and mental health. If you are concerned about your child’s sleep, talk to your healthcare provider. They will be able to look at health problems that may be getting in the way of nighttime rest requirements or support an individualized approach to address the needs of the family.

Since sleep influences our long-term health and wellness, having family bedtime routines can support quality sleep habits for everyone and improve cooperation in children.

Some steps we can take to develop these habits for our children:

1. Encourage children to develop awareness of their body’s need for rest and calm.

2. Set a consistent time for bedtime that takes the age of the child (see the above CDC link) into consideration. Start to reduce lights, noise, screen use, and activity in the home well before that time.

3. Use a predictable schedule for washing up, brushing teeth, using the bathroom or diapering, and putting on night clothes.

4. When adults provide balanced schedules and boundaries, children can practice self-regulation and change from active to restful.

5. Children will seek connection for safety and comfort, so make time for cuddles, sharing stories, and reading books to meet their emotional needs. Read Brightly has a list of books by Jennifer Ridgeway that can help in Sleepytime Stories: Books to Help Children Build a Bedtime Routine.

6. Create a peaceful sleep environment for children using white noise or soft music, calming scents such as lavender or chamomile, cool temperatures, and darkness (add a nightlight, if needed).

7. Getting up at the same time each morning and having balanced daily routines that include appropriate activity and rest periods can help improve naps and nighttime sleep. Observe signs of maturation in the child as they outgrow naps and consolidate sleep.

Sometimes families will put lots of thought and care into a bedtime routine and find that their child just doesn’t want to play along. That’s why I recommend, as you’re planning a bedtime routine, try allowing your child to have some choice in their routine, such as what they wear or what special comfort items they bring to bed. This helps reduce power struggles for children, who naturally seek autonomy and independence even from young ages.

Some children can become stressed about being separated from their parents during the night, so be sure they receive care and attention in positive ways to encourage relaxation and sleep. Adults can join their children in being quiet and still as they transition to sleep or rest.

Sweet dreams families!

Going through a separation or a divorce can be traumatic for both children and parents. You may be navigating feelings of grief, anger, disappointment, or maybe even ease, freedom, and joy. Children and adults have many different feelings and that is okay.

When I was teaching, I often supported families as they navigated a transition from parenting together in one house to co-parenting in different households. I reminded families that children are resilient and there were ways to support them through the process.

Families are also resilient! Caring for yourself and holding your family in your heart will help guide you in making helpful, hopeful decisions for your loved ones.

Lean into your support network for help managing your emotions. Find a trusted counselor who can help you through this process. By caring for yourself, you will model important habits for your children. You will also be a stronger, more present parent if you can maintain your focus on your children’s needs when you are with them.

There are tools you can use to put your child at ease and build their resiliency as you move through this transition.

Focus on the positive moments

Talk with your children openly about the strength of your family. When processing a traumatic event in my life, I learned the phrase, “Strength comes from love.” This has become my mantra when facing challenges large and small. Remembering my love as my source of strength becomes powerful.

We must learn to accept things out of our control (while working toward improving them, if possible). We cannot be positive about everything, of course. It is important to acknowledge our true feelings and deal with them. But try to reframe things when you can. As Neil Barringham says, “The grass is greener where you water it.” This is a time for radical acceptance.

Build a social network

Find people who care for you, share your joy, and listen to your struggles. Realize that each family member will need people for these roles. Help your children connect with counselors, teachers, cousins, and friends.

You may need to seek out new or different resources as you navigate new economic situations and possible new legal territory. There is no shame in asking for help. You are caring for yourself and your family and allowing others to do the same.

Teach your child healthy ways to process their feelings

Even if the separation happened a while ago, kids may unknowingly have feelings of resentment or abandonment that it might help them to work through. Try the “Rewind, Remind” technique adapted from The Whole-Child Brain to go back through a stressful story and retrain your mind to think differently about a situation.

Talk through a stressful event and tell your child that they can pause the story whenever they would like to by saying “pause.” They can fast-forward to another part of the story until you arrive at the end when there is some closure. Then, go back to a part of the story that was skipped and talk through why that part was difficult.

Notice any physical changes – increased heart rate, shallow breathing, etc. and talk your child through calming exercises. Breathe deeply together.

When calm and processing the challenging parts of the story, you are telling your brain that you are safe, even though this hard thing happened to you. This resiliency-building exercise can be used for all kinds of difficult life events or future challenges you’re anticipating.

Show interest in your child’s life

Ask about how they spent their days apart from you. First, center yourself so that your conversations are genuine and do not seem that you are digging for information about their other parent.

Ask open-ended questions such as: What was the best part of your day? What was your not-the-best part? (Some families call this the Rose and Thorn or Highs and Lows). If you are not getting many details back from your child, try questions such as: Did you go anywhere in the car? What did you do after lunch?

Or you can play games such as Guess Which is Real. Your child can tell you two things that happened and one they make up. Your job is to guess which is which. This is a fun way to cultivate connections and build your child’s ability to remember and recall.

Maintain consistent boundaries and expectations at both homes

Kids thrive with structure and routine. As best as you can, talk with your co-parent about what expectations are important to keep in place at both homes. Try to maintain consistent guidelines and routines.

Just as your marriage or partnership did not fail, it just completed its time, your family is not broken; it is evolving. As difficult as this period may be, know that you are not alone. Many other couples have had to navigate this transition and you will also. Keeping your children’s needs as priorities will help guide you through this time.

I like to refer to the shortened list below:

The Rights of Children are:

• To be kept safe

• To avoid unnecessary discomfort

• To have their possessions treated as their own

• To be treated fairly

Children begin to develop self-esteem from birth and need to have a strong sense of connection to engage well with others. It’s especially important that these relationships are built on mutual respect. A relationship of mutual respect means that it is just as important for an adult to treat the child with respect as it is for the child to treat the adult with respect.

Mutually respectful relationships feed into a child’s developing sense of self-worth. Children learn to evaluate themselves based upon the information they have gathered in their daily exchanges with the adults who care for them. Over time, a child creates a positive or negative judgment of self-worth, which has a long-term impact on their self-esteem and self-confidence.

A common way that children develop low self-worth is through disrespectful punishments. The acts of inflicting pain, loss or suffering as a penalty for unwanted behavior are considered inappropriate punishment. More than just being disrespectful, this form of punishment violates the basic rights of children. For more information on this please refer to the free article Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children on the American Academy of Pediatrics website. Children need love, security, and affection, along with consistent boundaries and structure for emotional and physical safety.

How as parents should we respond to unwanted behaviors while giving our children the respect they deserve?

When undesirable behavior occurs, your discipline efforts should seek to address the cause of the behavior, and to teach the child a new, replacement behavior.

• Try to discover the cause of the behavior.

• Choose a strategy that treats the cause of the behavior (such as a child’s lack of skill in entering play), rather than the symptom (perhaps the child pushed another child during play). Can you communicate how the child should have behaved in that situation?

• Put your strategy into action.

• Reflect. Was it effective? Did it stop or minimize behavior while still protecting your child’s rights?

You may want to tailor your approach to your child’s age and stage of development, when needed. When in doubt, remember that children also benefit from seeing positive role models who demonstrate good behavior and healthy habits.

Most importantly, children need to feel loved and cherished unconditionally, which builds their self-esteem and confidence. Supportive caretakers help children build confidence by encouraging their efforts, not just their successes. As caring adults, we can support children learn and grow by using positive approaches in our relationships with them each day.

Affection can be shown through physical touch, positive attention, and emotional support. Quality time spent talking, playing, and engaging in activities with a parent is vital for healthy development and strengthening relationships.

I would encourage everyone to do their best to understand, promote, and defend children’s rights and support their growth with respectful, loving limits.