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Helping Kids with Behavior Struggles

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Ugh, the dreaded phone call from school. Your kid’s teacher calls again to inform you that your child was disruptive during the school day. Not only is their behavior frustrating at home, but it is at school, too. No matter what you try, your kid is still acting up. What is going on? How can you help? Kids work through developmental phases of naughtiness and struggle with independence, but how can you help them?

Read on for research-backed methods that can support your child and family.

Understanding the Roots

All kids will test boundaries and need extra support through significant transitions. When my kids returned to school in the fall, my partner and I reminded ourselves that they would be tired, overwhelmed, anxious, hungry, and more. We needed to expect some big feelings and help create a soft landing place at home with some things to look forward to.

There are no “bad kids” or “good kids”. We’re all doing the best we can with the skills we have. We all make mistakes – especially when tired, hungry, and stressed. Rule those factors out first, and build eating and sleeping routines to keep your kid healthy. If your family has stressful conditions (such as health issues, a move, or other significant changes), do what you can to buffer your child. Remind them that the grown-ups are doing everything they can to keep everyone safe, and they will be okay.

Sometimes, neurodiversity can challenge a kid to fit into society’s expectations. Building self-regulation skills can benefit kids, especially those with ADHD, says Russell Barkley. If your child has a disability of any kind, talk with their care providers to learn if their behaviors are connected and how best to support them.

Teach the Skills

Sometimes, we assume our kids should know what to do in a situation, but we’ve never told them. It might help to think ahead and prepare our kids for our expectations. We might say to a preschooler, “Your friend is coming over to play. When they come over, it will be fun to play together. Are there any toys too special to share that we should put away? When your friend wants to play with your other toys, you can say ‘Okay!’” Older kids might need a short chat to tell them your expectations: “While we’re at Grandma’s today, please keep your phone off. She wants to spend time with us and will be offended if we look at our phones. Maybe we can play cards together.”

Look for the Good

Praising what you appreciate and being descriptive and transparent can help your child know what you are encouraging, says Lindsay Gerber, PsyD. You might tell a teenager, “You are being honest with me, and I appreciate that. Let’s talk through adjusting the time I asked you to be home.” A younger kid feels noticed when you say, “You came right over when I called you off the playground. Thank you!” Spending time together can also help your child feel connected and willing to work with you instead of against you. When one of my kids navigated a tricky time, I woke up ten minutes earlier to start our day with snuggles and help her feel loved. I was amazed at the difference it made in our days!

Consistent Expectations

If your child struggles at school, it might be helpful to conference with their teachers. Families and teachers can collaborate to pinpoint the top few skills to work on together. Using similar language and strategies can be helpful. Educators have great perspectives about what is typical and how to support more beneficial choices. If co-parenting is a barrier to consistency, explain to your child that they have different rules at your home than at their other parent’s home. Setting boundaries will be helpful. Professionals (pediatricians, educators, counselors) can help you create age-appropriate limits. Routines may also ward off struggles. If siblings know they take turns choosing which game to play, that may cut down on arguments, for example.

In the Moment

You know your child best and what has worked. We cannot reason with a child in the throes of a meltdown. Our job, then, is to ensure they are safe. Once the peak of the tantrum has passed, we can work with them. If we can stay calm and help co-regulate with our children, this will almost always help them if they can receive this. We can use calming techniques that our child can copy – deep breaths, lying down, drinking water, walking, rhythmic pats on the back – are all research-tested ways to soothe ourselves. With older children, we can ask them what may feel best. Dr. Vasco Lopes says, “By positively reinforcing compliance and appropriate responses to frustration, you’re teaching skills and—since you can’t comply with a command and tantrum at the same time—simultaneously decreasing that aggressive noncompliant tantrum behavior.”

We may have grand plans for gently reacting to our child’s tantrums. Thinking through new patterns for ourselves can be difficult when we are tired or stressed. Be gentle and forgiving with yourself when you react in a way you don’t want to. Changing our habits is hard work! You can always apologize to your child and repair your relationship. We can also do everything “right,” and our children will still melt down. Tantrums are not necessarily a reflection on you or your parenting. Our kids have hard days and don’t always have the resources to navigate them.

We can always right the ship. Making minor adjustments to our family patterns can keep us closer to loving, authentic relationships.

Resources

Child Mind Institute: Behavior Problems

Julia Cook’s books (variety of specific topics)

Lives in the Balance

Mindful Kids (cards) by Whitney Stewart

There’s Got to Be a Better Way! By Dr. Becky Bailey (for grown-ups)

Developing Screentime Routines

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These days it’s to be expected that toddlers will have at least some screen time, and that’s okay! Phones and tablets are a part of everyday family life and can be included in a healthy lifestyle for your child. Guidelines from The American Academy of Pediatrics include encouraging parents with children under 18 months to limit screen exposure to opportunities for interaction like video chatting. For toddlers over age two, guidelines include limiting screen time to around one hour a day of high-quality programming that you watch together. This is a great opportunity for interactive viewing such as music, stories, or movement. By watching together, you are there to answer questions and help them relate what they are seeing to their real life.

The key is to decide what type of screen time is right for your child and your family and to create a routine around that so your toddler will know what to expect. Finding out what works for your little ones takes time and experimentation – some kids will watch a few videos and then be done, while others may need encouragement to move on to a new activity.

Apps are engaging – they’re designed to keep your attention, so young children can’t be expected to self-regulate the amount of time they spend on electronic devices. You’re the most important factor in setting healthy screen time habits in your home! Don’t worry, there are plenty of ways to set your toddlers up for success when it comes to screen time routines.

How to set up healthy screen time routines

Set a good example

Do you open Candy Crush any time you have a moment? Your child notices this and will want to imitate you. Model healthy screen use, and when you’re spending time with your kids, give them your full attention. This is easier said than done for many of us. By putting down your screen and paying attention to your child, you are letting them know they are important to you. You want to hear what they are saying, and you want to share their experience. Remember you are your toddler’s whole world. The choices you make about where your attention rests have lasting impacts.

Have clear limits

Be clear about when and for how long screens are to be used. Rules like no screens during meals or an hour before bedtime help you underline the importance of face-to-face interaction and conversation. Give them a set amount of time during the day and give them notice when the end of that time is approaching (ex: If they are allowed 20 minutes on a tablet after lunch, give them a 5-minute warning so they know this time is coming to an end).

Encourage free play

Keep in mind that playtime is more valuable for your child’s developing brain than watching electronic media. Children learn through their interactions with you and their environment. When they are curious, they are learning. Help your kids explore and play by encouraging them to engage with their environment and find new things to do. This might mean playing with old toys in new ways, building a fort, or using kitchen pots and pans as musical instruments. When your little one is busy playing in creative ways, support them by giving them encouragement and asking them to tell you what they’re doing. When you join in the fun, it shows your toddler that you value spending time with them. Since children learn through their interactions with you, it is a great opportunity to expand their language by describing what is happening by using lots of descriptive words. When you can sense that your child is done playing with their musical pots and pans, you can gently introduce a new toy or activity before they can ask for electronics or say they’re bored.

Your child might whine or throw a tantrum when you tell them screen time is over, and that is a normal response! Transitioning from an enjoyable activity may bring up some difficult feelings. You can help your toddler by naming their feelings and giving them boundaries. Be consistent and firm, and if you need to, remove the electronics from the situation and try to engage them in the new activity. Saying something like “I know it’s frustrating, but screen time is over now. Why don’t we play with blocks together?” will help them identify that they feel frustrated, regulate those emotions, and move on to another activity. At the end of the day, a mix of active play, calm play, rest/sleep, and screen time all go together to create your child’s routine, and all contribute to helping your child learn and grow in different ways!

Back to School Behaviors

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What to do when your child is acting out at school?

School has been back in session for a little while now, and you think your child is doing great! But then you get a phone call from the teacher about some troubling behavior, and find out that they’ve been acting out at school – what do you do? Don’t worry, you can help your child succeed in school by being interested and involved in their learning and school life. By working together with your child and their teacher, you can encourage responsible behavior and cooperation!

Some common behavior issues that may concern teachers and be brought to your attention:

  • Distracting others

  • Not following instructions

  • Yelling

  • Not doing/finishing work

  • Getting into fights

So, why do these problems happen at school?

Elementary schools have rules and expectations for how kids should behave. However, young kids are still learning how to manage their emotions and navigate new situations, and this is where issues can arise. Your child might not know or understand the class rules, or may forget them. They might find that they get more attention when acting out in class, or that their behavior causes others to laugh or react in a way they see as positive.

Challenging behaviors can also be your child’s way of coping with new situations or a sign that they’re struggling with school work. If the schoolwork is challenging, they might act out to avoid certain situations, or because they’re lacking the self-confidence to tackle the work. Inversely, if the work is too easy, your child might be bored and disruptive. If either of these seems to be the cause for behaviors, please talk to your child’s teacher about next steps and alternative options.

How To Respond To School Problems

Discuss the problem with your child

Ask your child about what is happening and encourage them to give you their point of view. You might learn that the situation feels very different from their point of view. Ask open ended questions and encourage them to share their feelings. You can validate how they feel without condoning the concerning behavior. Avoid lecturing or reprimanding them during this conversation.

Discuss the problem with the teacher

After you’ve talked with your child, arrange time to speak with their teacher. Ask the teacher to share their views on the issue and what’s behind it. Try to stay calm and understand from their point of view, just as you did with your child. Find out if the teacher has any suggestions, workarounds, or learning supports that can be put in place.

Get involved with your child’s school

Talk with your child about their day so you know what is going on from their perspective. This is a great way to stay in tune with your child, and also to avoid being blindsided should you get another call from the school about any more behaviors. Show a genuine interest in who they’re playing with and what they’re learning. Be supportive for them both emotionally and educationally.

Try to maintain consistent communication with their teacher(s). Get to know each other and talk about your child’s achievements as well as any concerns. If you’re able to, consider volunteering at their school occasionally!

Create a plan to respond to persistent problems

You’ve talked to your kid and the teacher, now what? Suggest a plan that supports the behavior you want to see both at home and at school! Have their teacher clearly tell you what is expected of your child, and work from there. You could set up a behavior diary with the teacher, which can be filled out by the teacher for both troubling and positive behaviors, or create a consequences and rewards system based on behavior. Review progress with your child and with their teacher, and praise and reward your child for acting responsibly.

When you talk with your child about their day, point out when they handle a situation appropriately, and help them feel proud of themselves. When they have a good day, celebrate with them! Enjoying time with you is one of the things that is most rewarding for kids.

It’s important to remember that your child is still learning how to navigate situations such as school, and that their feelings and behaviors can be hard for them to manage at times. It isn’t helpful to blame yourself, your child, or the school in these cases. Be positive and encouraging, and make sure your child knows that you want them to be happy and successful in school!

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Are you interested in receiving more parenting advice? Triple P Online – Positive Parenting Program could be for you! This online parenting program allows you to take a parenting class in the comfort of your own home! If you live in Lane County, you can get Triple P Online for free by filling out the form on the Triple P page. A staff person from Parenting Now will send you an access code within 24 hours and you’ll be able to start using the program right away! For more information about the program and to sign up visit the Triple P page.

Fun Fall Crafts!

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The leaves are falling, school is in full swing, and the weather is changing! This season brings about a lot of change, including keeping your kids indoors more with the rain and cold. Try one of these fun fall crafts to keep them – and you! – busy on your next rainy Sunday inside.

Paper Plate Wreaths

Making paper plate wreaths is fun, simple, and a good way to get creative with your kids.

You will need:

  • Paper Plates

  • Different colors of tissue paper

  • Gluestick

Using child safe scissors, help your child cut out the center circle of a paper plate. Set the center circle to the side (you can use this to color on later!), and select a few different colors of tissue paper. Have your kids crumple up little pieces of the tissue paper, put some glue on the outer plate ring, and stick the tissue paper on it. Repeat all the way around the plate until your child has a beautiful, colorful wreath for Autumn!

Popsicle Stick Apple Cores

These are so cute, quick, and easy to make!

You will need:

  • Popsicle sticks

  • Green, red, and brown construction paper

  • Glue

  • A black pen or marker

Help your child cut green and/or red circles, then cut those in half with child safe scissors. Cut brown rectangles, and green ovals for leaves. Help your child glue three popsicle sticks side by side to create the core, then have them place the other pieces and glue to the popsicle sticks. Help them color on seeds and you’re finished!

Leaf Rubbings

Your curious nature lovers will enjoy this activity! Part art and part science, your kids will learn about nature while creating their own colorful leaf.

You will need:

  • Leaves! Different shapes and sizes make this activity even more fun.

  • Tracing paper or parchment paper

  • Crayons

  • A hard surface (a table or clipboard)

Have your child pick a leaf and place it on a solid surface. Cover the leave with the parchment or tracing paper, and slowly and steadily rub crayons over the top of the paper to reveal the outline and details of the leaf. Your child will be so excited to see their leaf brought to life on paper!

Once you’re all done with your crafts, display them somewhere for the whole family to see, your child will be so proud to see their work hung up. Kids love to make crafts that you can display in your home for them to see often!

Balancing Work and Family

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As summer starts to wind down and families begin to adjust their school/work schedules, it’s important to consider how you balance work and family. Often, balancing work and family can feel challenging because stress from one may pour into the other. Ideally, your goal is that you feel calm and controlled regarding your time both with family and work, and your children will feel at ease whether you are at home or at work.

How can you prevent work from negatively affecting your family life?

Have realistic expectations

Avoid setting unattainable goals at work, such as finishing a huge project the first week your kids go back to school or cramming in a ten hour work day before the weekend. Expecting yourself to achieve something unrealistic may leave you feeling let down, and that feeling can be difficult to shake at the end of a work day.

Instead, think about what you can reasonably achieve at work, given the expectations you have for yourself as you support your children as they begin a new school year.

Be open about your limits and needs.

Be open and honest with your employer about your family and childcare needs. Understand that if you have a sick child, an important family event, or an unexpected emergency, you may have to make special arrangements. Talk to your work about what support is available, such as PTO, family leave, and child care.

Use your transit time to create smooth transitions

When you leave work at the end of the day, switch yourself out of work mode. What will help you transition from work to home? You could use your travel time to listen to music or a podcast, relax, and mentally unpack your work day. Begin to plan for family time, and shift your mind to your parenting role. Your kids will appreciate you being 100% focused on them, and you’ll be happier being present when you arrive home.

Plan activities outside of work

Balance is the key term in “Work/Life Balance.” Plan fun activities on the weekend, find things you and your family enjoy doing together, and don’t forget to address your personal needs as well!

Try to leave work behind during family time

Whenever possible, unplug from work. Try not to respond to calls or check emails, and if you find your mind drifting to work related things, acknowledge that thought and then shift your focus back to the present. If you find yourself thinking about a particular project or something you want to follow up on, write it down; send yourself a text or an email to help yourself remember when you get back to work, and then you can return to being present with your family.

In addition to the above things that you can do, be sure to utilize other resources in your life. Work as a team with your partner and/or caregivers, and lean on your village when you need a little extra help. You can do it all with the help of your loved ones and support you have in place!

It may be helpful to sit down with your parenting partners and talk about the approaching transition. What do you need to get done before school starts? What would help each child be successful this school year? What can you set up to help everyone through the first week? Can you plan simple meals or set up systems for returning homework? Split up the tasks so that everyone contributes and everyone feels supported.

It’s normal for parents to have mixed feelings about working. You may enjoy the social contact and mental challenges of work. At the same time, you may worry about leaving your kids with others or missing out on time with them. Both of these perspectives can be true at the same time. However you feel is normal and you can be successful at work and at home with thoughtful planning. Your children will feel supported as they begin a new adventure in learning, and you can cover all your bases both at work and at home.

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Are you interested in receiving more parenting advice? Triple P Online – Positive Parenting Program could be for you! This online parenting program allows you to take a parenting class in the comfort of your own home!

If you live in Lane County, you can get Triple P Online for free by filling out the form on the Parenting Now Triple P page. A staff person from Parenting Now will send you an access code within 24 hours and you’ll be able to start using the program right away! For more information about the program and to sign up visit the Parenting Now Triple P page.

Preparing Your Kids for Back to School

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As summer winds down, some kids feel excited about school coming up and some feel anxious, but all kids sense that a shift in routine is coming, and that can bring up some big emotions. The good news is that, as a parent, there are some things you can do to help your children manage these emotions and get ready for back to school!

Start Talking About School

Begin discussing school earlier in the summer, especially if it’s your child’s first year! Talk about what a school day might look like, how they will get to and from school, and emphasize how fun learning new things and making new friends will be.

Check Out the School

Drive by your child’s school. If you’re able to, stop by and play on the playground or park in the parking lot as you will when the school year starts. Or, if your child will be taking the bus, point out where the bus may drop them off and where the front doors of the school are.

Practice Getting Ready

Make a fun game of picking out a “school outfit” on a summer night, going to bed, setting an alarm, and getting up and ready like they will for school. Packing a lunch, reading a story about school, talking about your own memories of school, or even walking to the bus stop can all be a part of this make-believe game. Base it off of what your real school mornings will look like!

Take Time to Connect

On the morning of the first day of school, your child may feel excited, scared, anxious, nervous, happy, or any combination of these emotions. While things may feel hectic, take a few moments to connect with your child, to remind them of qualities you love about them that will help them feel successful in school (i.e. you’re such a great friend, you always listen to others, you’re so kind!) Take a moment to breathe with your child.

It’s time to send them off to school! You’ve given your child the tools they need to succeed, see them off to school safely and take some time to adjust yourself to this change in routine too. Parents and caregivers are going through a change this time of year as well!

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Are you interested in receiving more parenting advice? Triple P Online – Positive Parenting Program could be for you! This online parenting program allows you to take a parenting class in the comfort of your own home!

If you live in Lane County, you can get Triple P Online for free by filling out the form on the Parenting Now Triple P page. A staff person from Parenting Now will send you an access code within 24 hours and you’ll be able to start using the program right away! For more information about the program and to sign up visit the Parenting Now Triple P page.

Take a Road Trip This Summer

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Summer is already busy, so why should you prioritize taking a road trip with your young kids? The answer is simple – because life is busy. Road trips don’t have to be big or elaborate to make a big impact on your kids!

Road trips are a time to connect. The act of driving to the destination is a memory your children will remember with love for years to come. Road trips put your family in a position to sit and talk and play for hours, without distractions that might come up at home. The drive will create an opportunity for silly, low-key family moments together. You can play games by looking for letters of the alphabet, sing silly songs, tell stories, and talk about all the fun you’re about to experience together!

Fun Road Trip Activities

  • I Spy With My Little Eye (Something that is…purple!)

  • Counting game – Pick an item to keep track of and then count them together. (Count the number of red cars or the number of barns, train crossings, or speed limit signs.)

  • Guess the Animal – One person thinks of an animal and everyone else takes turns asking questions to try and figure out which animal it is. (Model asking broad questions first, such as does it walk on four legs or does it have fur, before moving onto the more direct questions, like is it a giraffe.)

  • The Alphabet Game – Take turns trying to find the letters of the alphabet (Find an “A” in a license plate, then a “B” on a road sign, a “C” at a gas station, etc.

Road trips also offer more flexibility than other modes of transportation, such as flying, trains, or public transportation. That might sound counterintuitive at first, but driving allows you to create or change your schedule as needs arise. If your toddler needs some fresh air or your baby needs a bottle, or you just want to explore a new area, you can make that happen at any time!

While a flight with kids is just something you aim to get through and finish, the road trip becomes its own unique adventure, something to enjoy. Even if it’s a simple drive a few hours away, the magic created from time together as a family will enhance your trip, instead of just serving as a way to get there.

Whether it’s a drive across the country or an hour away to a zoo, packing up the car and getting everyone together to drive to a destination is a positive bonding experience.

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Are you interested in receiving more parenting advice? Triple P Online – Positive Parenting Program could be for you! This online parenting program allows you to take a parenting class in the comfort of your own home!

If you live in Lane County, you can get Triple P Online for free by filling out the form on the Parenting Now Triple P page. A staff person from Parenting Now will send you an access code within 24 hours and you’ll be able to start using the program right away! For more information about the program and to sign up visit the Parenting Now Triple P page.

Having Visitors

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Having visitors in your home feels like it should be a fun and exciting event, so why are your preschool aged kids acting out during this time? Kids will often be excited about having friends over to play, but having someone else in their home can be stressful for kids.  Sometimes they may respond to this stress by refusing to share, refusing to play with the visiting children, or constantly demanding your attention. Fortunately, there are ways you can help your child learn to manage their feelings and respond to their guests appropriately!

Before the visit, plan the time together with your child. How long will they have to play? Will there be a snack? What activity do they want to do? Which toys will they play with? If there are toys they don’t want to share this time, you can put them out of sight. By respecting your child’s wishes around which toys they are willing to share, you are teaching them to set boundaries. When your child can make choices about what to expect, you are gaining their cooperation up front, and you are increasing your chances of a successful, well-behaved visit.

Key Steps to Preventing Problems When You Have Visitors

  • Try to plan visits around your child’s usual sleeping and eating times, so as not to disrupt routines. This is important for your child’s ability to stay calm and regulated. We all do better when our basic needs for rest and food are met.

  •  Get your child to agree to a few simple rules while your guests are here. Focus on things they should do, not things they shouldn’t do. (Ex: Take turns with your toys). Remind them of these rules prior to your guests arriving.

  • Talk with your child about what to do if they feel frustrated or angry during the visit. Practice taking deep breaths together. How can they express what they want in a calm way? When should they ask for help from an adult?

  • Encourage your child to greet guests when they arrive. Practice what to say, such as, “Hi Billy. I’m glad you’re here.”

  • Make sure you have some activities ready for the kids in advance. Help your child and any visiting children get set up with the activities so that everyone is comfortable.

  • Praise and reward the kids for cooperating and playing together nicely.  Check in often, not just when challenging behavior is occurring.

  • Act as soon as a challenge arises. Get close to your child, use a quiet and calm voice, and tell them what to stop doing and what to do instead.

  • If the behavior continues, back up your instructions with a logical consequence (ex: You continued to throw your toy car so now I will need to take it away for ten minutes).

  • After the guests leave, talk about the visit with your child.  Ask them what they did well and help them to feel proud of themselves.  Then spend some quality time together.  This individual attention will let them know they are important to you, and you like spending time with them.

Having visitors provides kids with the opportunity to practice some complex social skills, such as being a good host, talking politely with adults, greeting visitors, and considering things other children might like to do. It helps them learn to cope with their feelings in sometimes unpredictable situations, and to negotiate friend relationships. While your child will get better at these skills with time, it’s important not to expect your child to be perfect at first, a lot is happening in their home!

As your child gets more comfortable with having guests at their home, they will get better at all the social skills they are learning. They will learn to manage their difficult feelings and behave responsibly, so won’t need as much reminding of the rules, rewards, and consequences. Continue having friends and family over to your home, and notice and point out  when your child behaves well. You’re building skills that will help your child with social interactions throughout their life!

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Are you interested in receiving more parenting advice? Triple P Online – Positive Parenting Program could be for you! This online parenting program allows you to take a parenting class in the comfort of your own home!

If you live in Lane County, you can get Triple P Online for free by filling out the form on the Parenting Now Triple P page. A staff person from Parenting Now will send you an access code within 24 hours and you’ll be able to start using the program right away! For more information about the program and to sign up visit the Parenting Now Triple P page.

Teaching Gentle Behavior

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Toddlers, by nature, are sweet and kind, but they don’t always have the words or skills to work through their big feelings and emotions. They don’t yet have the words to express their feelings or needs in order to get what they want in a socially acceptable way. They have not yet learned to regulate their feelings, so big feelings may take over their behavior. When they are upset or frustrated, a toddler might bite, scratch, or hit you or another child.

It can be startling for parents when their toddler starts biting or hitting out of nowhere, but there is usually a reason behind it:

  • It could be that your toddler is teething and looking for relief any way they can get it.

  • Sometimes your toddler just wants to see what happens if they bite, hit, or push. These behaviors usually get a big reaction from grownups, which children may find rewarding.

  • Toddlers can harm others when they are frustrated and they do not have the words to express themselves.

  • Hurting may be a way for a child to get what they want. If pushing a friend out of the way to get the toy first works, then that toddler might keep using that tactic.

Supporting your child through this phase

You want your child to be well liked by his friends, so during play dates or at the park, watch your toddler closely to prevent problems before they start. Look for signals that your toddler is getting upset, such as raising their voice, kicking or throwing toys, crossing their arms, etc.

When you see your toddler acting in a way that tells you they are getting frustrated or angry, that is the time to intervene. Get down on your child’s level and tell him what you see. “I see you stomping your foot.” Then name the feeling. “Are you feeling angry?” Help him to say how they feel, begin to regulate those feelings, and then identify what they want. “Let’s take a deep breath together. That’s better, good work. Now, can you use your words to tell me what you want?”

Your toddler depends on you to help him learn how to behave with others. You are his secure base he can turn to again and again when he is having difficulty. Your open arms invite him to learn the skills he needs in a loving way. When you do need to remove him from the situation, it is important to remain calm yourself, and speak to him in the same gentle way you would like him to talk to you and others.

Sometimes, you will need to remove him from the situation for a few moments to help him calm down.

  • If you see your toddler acting in a way that isn’t gentle, such as throwing toys or sand at another child, quickly remove your child from the activity.

  • Tell your child why they had to stop playing and what the next step is going to be: “Lauren, you threw sand at Cameron and that made him sad. We are going to have some quiet time away from the sandbox to settle down and talk about why we don’t hurt our friends.”

  • When your child has calmed down, after a minute or two, you can let them return to their activity.

  • You may need to repeat these steps a few times.

Encouraging gentle behavior

Toddlers have a big capacity for love and affection, but sometimes they need to be taught how to be gentle with others. We can model this behavior for them in our interactions with our own children, such as:

  • Stroking their hair

  • Rubbing their back

  • Holding hands

If you have a pet at home, you could demonstrate gentle ways to pet the dog or cat. If your toddler likes to play with baby dolls or stuffed animals, you could also show your child how to gently tend to them.

You can also support your toddler’s gentle side by giving them praise when you see them playing nicely with others. When your child is playing well, give them lots of attention and talk about it: “Conrad, you are doing a great job of taking turns with your friend.”

And when your child is being sweet with you, you can also let them know: “Oh, thank you for that BIG hug. It makes me feel so special when you hug me.”

This article is brought to you by Parenting Now Parenting Educators and authors Amanda Bedortha, Claire Davis, and Kalina Glover-Moresi. Parenting Now offers parenting groups and drop-in programs for families with children 0-8, and is passionate about fostering happy, healthy families. For more information about Parenting Now please visit their website (https://parentingnow.org/) or contact us at info@parentingnow.org.

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Are you interested in receiving more parenting advice? Triple P Online – Positive Parenting Program could be for you! This online parenting program allows you to take a parenting class in the comfort of your own home!

If you live in Lane County, you can get Triple P Online for free by filling out the form on the Triple P page. A staff person from Parenting Now will send you an access code within 24 hours and you’ll be able to start using the program right away! For more information about the program and to sign up visit the Triple P page.

Teaching Chores and Cleaning Up Skills

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Many kids can benefit from participating in daily or weekly chores. It helps you out, it helps care for the home, and some studies even link early childhood chores to later success in adulthood, pointing to strengthened adult relationships and successful careers. The key is knowing what chores are appropriate for your child’s age group, skill level, and maturity.

If you’d like your young child to start doing chores, sit with them and talk about what chores look like, what chores are, and how to do each one. Be specific.

You can talk with your child about how everyone in the family contributes to all of your lives running smoothly. Young children want, more than anything, to be like a grown up. By giving your child the opportunity to contribute, they can feel proud of themselves. As their sense of self grows, they feel like an important part of the family. They are growing in confidence and skills.

In addition:

      • Discuss why helping is important: “It takes all of us working together to make our house and family run smoothly.”

        • Make a list of chores that need to be done: feeding the dog, putting away laundry, and taking out the recycling.

        • Make a list of the chores your children would like to do first or learn how to do.

       • Create a final jobs list and categorize by family member, and whether the chore is daily, weekly, or monthly.

You can let your child know that you will also be doing your chores just like they will be doing theirs. After talking about chores and what they look like, come up with some chores that you both think would be beneficial for the household.

Here are some ideas:

Ages 4-5:

• Clear and set the table

• Dust items that are not fragile

• Help carry and put away groceries

• Put away toys

• Make their bed

• Water plants

Ages 6-8:

• Feed the pets

• Clean the floors

• Take out the trash

• Put away laundry

• Help wash dishes

Young children can help around the house in many ways. Children at different ages and stages of child development can handle different levels or complexities of chores. An older child might be able to load the dishwasher but a younger child can still pick up their toys after playing with them.

When talking to your younger children about chores, keep it simple. You can tell your child that “If we work together as a family to get chores done, then there is more time for fun.”

As a family, make a list of chores that need to be done. Then, talk about it as a family. Allow your child to add to the list and see if they can think of things they might want to help with. Figure out tasks your child can do on their own without needing much help.

As your child matures, give them age-appropriate tasks from the list. For example, you might start with picking up toys and putting them in a bucket when they are toddlers. Then, moving to clearing the dinner table when they are a bit older. Some children might need to see the list as things that need to get done throughout the day. Some chores need to be done in the morning or throughout the day or specifically at night. This way they can have a chore or two during each part of the day.

After talking about the list and letting them have input, allow your child to choose a few tasks they would like to work on. You might need to help them pick a few tasks if they are unsure. Once you and your child have picked out a few chores, make a list of what they will be working on. This list can be written in words or have pictures to remind your children what the task looks like. Try this for a few weeks and see how they are doing. Do they need something harder to work on or are they doing ok with this task? You can decide this based on how your child is doing.

Be sure to give lots of praise when your child works on their chore. It is important to praise effort, as well as a job well done. Help your child feel proud of themselves for trying hard, following through and completing the task. At first, as your child is learning, you can do the chore together, then watch them do it on their own. They will be thrilled to show you what they learned! Be patient and give them lots of encouragement and time to learn. Soon, they will be independently doing their chores with gentle reminders. Once they start to initiate doing their chore on their own, it’s time to celebrate!

Your child might push back when you ask them to do chores. Making a game out of it can sometimes help—such as using a timer or seeing who can put toys away the fastest. Your patience and persistence will pay off, and you may have a new helper around the house!

This article is brought to you by Parenting Now Parenting Educators and authors Amanda Bedortha, Claire Davis, and Kalina Glover-Moresi. Parenting Now offers parenting groups and drop-in programs for families with children 0-8, and is passionate about fostering happy, healthy families. For more information about Parenting Now please visit their website (https://parentingnow.org/) or contact us at info@parentingnow.org.

Triple P – Positive Parenting Program

Are you interested in receiving more parenting advice? Triple P Online – Positive Parenting Program could be for you! This online parenting program allows you to take a parenting class in the comfort of your own home!

If you live in Lane County, you can get Triple P Online for free by filling out the form on the Triple P page. A staff person from Parenting Now will send you an access code within 24 hours and you’ll be able to start using the program right away! For more information about the program and to sign up visit the Triple P page.

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